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by Katerina Lorenzatos Makris ~

Grief over losses of our animal companions can be crushing. In the past four years my husband and I have had to say goodbye to eight of our rescued dogs, and to several others during the decade before. Nearly all of them were elderly and had blessed us with their presence during long, healthy, happy lives. That brought some consolation, but still, each loss might has well have been a knife in my heart for the pain it caused, and for the time it took to heal. In fact, although it has gotten better, I’m still trying to recover.

I am not alone. Countless pet guardians around the world suffer the same piercing misery every year. On social media I see many posts from friends who have lost a nonhuman animal loved one. They describe feeling “shattered,” “broken,” “lost,” and more. They say “a part of me is missing now,” and “I can’t stop crying.” Some, like me, continue to mourn for weeks, months, or longer.

“Unfortunately, as our four-legged companions have relatively short lifespans, an inevitable aspect of companion animal ownership is companion animal loss, and millions of Americans will mourn for their companion animals annually,” wrote Rachel Park and Kenneth Royal, researchers at North Carolina State University, in their paper documenting animal owners’ methods of coping following the euthanasia of their pets. “Grieving a companion animal can be an intense emotional process, resulting in feelings of sadness, despair, and numbness. The grief experienced by bereaved companion animal owners may mirror that of a human loss.”

The pain is indeed intense, and can be debilitating.

So how on earth to cope?

Ask an expert, Dr. Ayl

For advice, Rescue Diva reached out to psychologist Dr. Kathleen Ayl. Over two decades ago Dr. Ayl dedicated her practice, Grief Associates, to Pet Loss Support and Compassion Fatigue Support.

We conducted the interview (below) during the week of Dia de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead, an annual Mexican tradition in the first two days of November that offers mourners the opportunity to honor and celebrate their departed loved ones. The rituals can range from sad, tender, and deeply moving, to humorous, or even mocking and irreverent.

“I love it that we are doing this on Dia de los Muertos,” noted Dr. Ayl as we began the interview.

I loved it too, as my own way of commemorating my fur angels, and also because Dr. Ayl radiates such gentle nurturing that even though our Q&A was done via email, I came away feeling soothed and more at peace.

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Q&A WITH KATHLEEN AYL, PsyD:

RESCUE DIVA: Why did you decide to specialize in helping folks with grief about losing animal companions?

DR. AYL: At a very young age I recognized that the loss of a pet can be excruciating, and that people in this country often don’t want to hear about or discuss matters of grief or loss.

RESCUE DIVA: That’s a good point. It often seems like a taboo topic. Can you provide us with some quick tips for dealing with grief over a lost animal companion?

DR. AYL:

1. Use your creativity to create something in their honor.

2. Perform loving acts for others, in memory of your departed loved one.

3. Plant a tree or place a plant in a favorite spot of theirs.

4. Create a memorial. 

5. Light a memorial candle for them daily.

6. Talk about your loved one to others who respect and understand your grief. (Be very careful who you talk to and please make sure that they understand how devastating the loss of a beloved pet can be.)

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RESCUE DIVA: Thanks for that warning—to be careful with who we talk to. One issue with pet loss is that not everyone “gets” how painful it is. For example when my pets and the pets of friends have passed away, sometimes people have told us, “Oh yes, that’s sad, but you can get another one.” Of course that doesn’t help. How do you suggest dealing with those comments and attitudes?

DR. AYL: When someone doesn’t “get it” and says things that hurt you even further, continue to treat them with kindness, but stop talking to them about your pet or your loss. 

If they ask you a question about your pet, thank them for their kindness and say something like, “You know, I just realized that I am not at a point where I can talk about this any further. Thank you though for your concern in asking.” They will typically walk away feeling relieved.

RESCUE DIVA: That gives me a chuckle. I think you’re right—they probably will feel relieved to be off the hook! Following up on that question, society in general doesn’t value the lives of animal companions as much as those of humans. But for those of us who love our pets as family members, it’s just as rough to lose one of them as to lose a human. Yet because it was “only” an animal who died, we’re expected to get over it more quickly, return to our normal duties and responsibilities, etc., and act like not much happened.

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DR. AYL: Just as love is love, grief is grief. They are our family; they are our babies, whether or not one has two-legged children as well.

The amount of grief one will experience depends only upon how intense the relationship was.

I don’t know about you, but even as the mother of five and the grandmother of three, my most intense love relationships are those that I share with my pets.

RESCUE DIVA: You’re not the only one! In some cases, losing an animal companion can feel even worse than losing human loved ones. Perhaps because of the constant unconditional love and loyalty they give? But is it “abnormal” or “weird” to grieve so deeply for them?

DR. AYL: It is neither abnormal nor weird to grieve so deeply for our animals. Their unconditional love is beyond what most humans can comprehend, much less emanate.

RESCUE DIVA: Too true! Now here’s a very troubling part of pet loss grief… For me and for some friends I’ve spoken with, the worst losses have been when we’ve felt we made some mistake, even when the pets were quite elderly and ill. For example not getting them to the vet fast enough, or making the wrong health decision, or not picking up on symptoms, etc. This is somewhat irrational, because we work hard to take care of our pet loved ones, and do our utter best. But because the animals are so dependent on us to figure out what they need, we feel deeply responsible for their health and well-being. I frequently see folks on social media struggling with this intensified form of grief. Any tips on how to get through that?

DR. AYL: Unfortunately, guilt over the loss of a beloved one is a part of the experience of parenting. I believe that we feel anger towards ourselves because anger is a lot easier to deal with than grief is, and it can become a place to hide from having to deal with the gut-wrenching pain of our loss.

RESCUE DIVA:  Thank you. It helps to hear that explanation. It is much easier to focus on being mad at ourselves than on the real pain. Are there any books you’d like to recommend for people going through pet loss grief?

DR. AYL: A great pet loss workbook is called How To Roar by Robin Jean Brown. I also love the book Animals and the Afterlife by Kim Sheridan.

RESCUE DIVA:  Any other recommended resources?

DR. AYL:  I offer a Zoom Pet Loss Support Group every Sunday, from 12:00 noon to 2:00 p.m. (PST).  There is no charge for the group.

RESCUE DIVA: Thank you, Dr. Ayl. We appreciate you taking the time to help with this painful and prevalent problem, These are fantastic answers. I know readers will find them very helpful, and I do too.

DR. AYL:   Thank you for your kind words. 

To join Dr. Ayl’s free support group, find her contact info under “Contact Me” on her Grief Associates website.

How elephants seem to grieve their dead

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Rescue Diva proudly helps needy animals in the U.S. and around the world, such as:

~ Diva assists Kefalonia Animal Trust (KATs) in Greece to provide free spay/neuter for hundreds of animals per year, which is one of the best ways to prevent the abandonment and misery of puppies like Noah and Kyla.

~ Diva donates to Center for Animal Protection and Education (CAPE), Praying for Paws, Southern California Siamese Rescue, Aniplant (Cuba) and many other groups.

~ Diva does in-the-trenches rescues of angels like Robin, Chance, and Tiger, with help from San Diego Animal Support Foundation; of Marisol and Lisa, with help from Last Chance at Life; of Mandi (Diamandi), with help from Graeske Hunde, and of Dolly, with help from Stichting AAI.

Katerina has written hundreds of articles for regional wire services and for outlets such as National Geographic Traveler, The San Francisco Chronicle, Travelers’ Tales, NBC’s Petside.com, and Animal Issues Reporter.